To die would be an awfully big adventure

Death is not something I usually like to think about too much despite loving Peter Pan's brave statement to die would be an awfully big adventure. I mean, I know I will die one day, and I hope I have a long life still ahead of me, but as the future is impossible to ascertain, I sort of leave it at that. But reading Bronnie Ware’s book The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying has helped me to understand my deep-rooted perceptions about life and in particular death, through her sensitive and moving narrative relating to her former work in palliative care. The book is a beautiful read – honouring her clients in the last months or weeks of life, as she learns from their regrets and thoughts about a life well lived. I commend her. For having worked in this highly demanding and often emotionally fraught field, but also for integrating her learnings into her own life and providing the world with her honest reflections in this book.

One stand-out aspect of the book is how Bronnie shares her thoughts about death. In our Western society, death is too often hidden away (I, for one, have never seen a dead body) and therefore, she concludes, we understandably fear it – what happens when you die? The moment of the actual passing and then, what? That monumental question we have all asked ourselves – what happens to our soul after it leaves our body? To this end, of course none of us can confidently say for sure, but since experiencing many clients passing over, she is well informed in her belief that death does not need to be feared. Ultimately, it comes to all of us so there’s little point living in denial about death. It doesn’t just happen to old people. Anyone of us could die at any point. Through these insights, Bronnie Ware understands that a life well lived, now, in this present moment is all that counts. This was really enlightening to me. Yes, I have never seen a dead body, but I have spoken to a few people in the last stages of their life. To me, I felt I had to be positive in all my interactions with them. But through this endless positivity I was denying them their opportunity to accept what was happening to them. The truth, though painful, was that they were dying, and I hope when I get to my time (and if I know it is coming), I will let people in rather than hide the truth. The elephant in the room isn’t going away so we might as well bravely share our feelings and be open about the truth to help both the dying individual and the those left living. We deny so much in our culture and the nature of death is one such denial.

Her book lists the ‘top regrets’ through storytelling revealing parts of her own life and the interactions she experienced with her clients. I won’t list the regrets all here – you would need to buy the book for that, and believe me, there are so many wonderful reflections, I was hard pressed to choose just one. However, for me, what resonated on a higher level was how, throughout our lives, we give too much energy and focus to trivial things that are ultimately of no relevance in the end. We rush around believing we need to work hard whilst sacrificing our time, energy and happiness to work in the pursuit of money and materialism. We believe the systems which educate us for the workforce, and don’t question this, thus as a race we have little knowledge about who we truly are, because our focus is shifted towards the wrong things. Many of Bronnie’s clients realised this at the end of their lives – they wished they hadn’t worked so hard. This doesn’t mean they didn’t enjoy their work or find purpose in it, just they realised their priorities had been wrong. If only they were brave enough to live the life they had wanted to, no matter what others said. And it is not just about work. We give so much energy to the small things whether that be our toxic thoughts, our long to do lists, our endless plans for the future, our grudges, that we lose sight of our own happiness and what it means to be happy in the here and now. We waste so much time worrying about the little things that we deny ourselves happiness. “The greatest gift is to appreciate life” one dying client said, and not to become a victim to life. Rather than being energised by happiness, we are fuelled by fear for most of our lives. We are products of our environment; the systems that moulded us into work-focused, obedient masses. So, for me, knowing that finding the right environment to be true to myself is vital for a life well lived.

Trying to absorb and filter Bronnie’s experiences into a short blog isn’t easy. Very little will change in our lives until we experience our own revelations to such an extent that we are able to, individually, break free of our own habitual ways of living – and I personally think most of us won’t experience these revelations until we are, like Bronnie’s clients, in the final days of life. I can imagine that knowing you are dying shifts your perceptions and priorities in a way we cannot fathom whilst we take life for granted. But if we could, imagine the world we would be living in right now. And imagine reaching the end of your life satisfied that you had led a life of meaning, with no regrets.